Dear fellows, we all belong to the large and harrassed community of husbands and this blog of mine focusses on the biggest trouble that we people face.
No, it's not about perfect time management between wife and girlfriend. You know we all do it perfectly and those who fail to do so fail to live to tell their stories anyhow.
It is about the torture that we people face in the form of shopping. Based on the personal experience, I can tell you that a mere mental resolve is never going to be sufficient to escape from this torture because wives are very clever species and they always know how to get us rolling along if they want us to.
I mean how can you deny if she gives you that extra concern and tells you in a sugar coated voice that all she wants is to buy a few new shirts for you because you have been wearing the same old shirts for the last two months and you need to look dashing to the women in your office. You just close your eyes and imagine that gorgeous babe adoring your sense of dressing and you shout out "Yeah, I am going to be ready in five minutes.".
That's how it used to be with me. Thereafter, it was always the same torturous routine of trudging along with a heap of shopping bags and wondering when and where would you be allowed to park yourself and eat something. Afterall, isn't a good mall all about a good foodcourt? The end of the shopping spree used to be another heartbreaking situation for me when dear wife used to get her cutest expression, look into my eyes and say, "I am so sorry, I think I overspent? I hope you don't feel bad about it." Was there ever an option apart from, "No honey, its nothing to worry about. You have really bought me so much." Correction. "No honey, its nothing to worry about. I am sure we needed all this including this remote operated lock that you are going to fix to the refrigerator."
It all changed that one day when I actually realized that I have a brain. I know its a difficult realization considering we all got married and after marriage either a husband is dumb or has a wicked brain. I decided to use the wicked version finally. The information I am going to share with you next is worth 50 million USD if I sell it as commercial advice to all the husbands, but, today it is free here as I am playing a messiah for all husbands.
One fine day, the scene where I was conned into going for shopping was perfectly enacted. The only difference was that I was grinning, singing and sounding very enthusiastic rather than putting on the routine grim, tired and scared look. She even asked me if I was ok and gave me a confused look when I said, "I am perfectly fine and excited about our shopping excursion." I had to really tone down my enthusiasm, otherwise, she was about to give up on the shopping idea then itself. I convinced her into going out (I didn't want it to be a one time escape, but, a permanent relief you see).
First store, that to me, appeared to stock all sorts of pieces of clothes that one can possibly imagine, didn't appeal to her as she thought they didn't have enough variety of designs. (A checked shirt isn't just a checked shirt, first you have to see whether the lines are thin lines or thick lines, whether the lines are blue coloured or black coloured and whether they have a darker shade or a lighter one etc.) The next store she entered, she liked the clothes there and I was ready with strategy A. Every piece of cloth that she picked up, I quickly told her that it was not good enough, didn't suit her complexion etc. "Come on, how can you even buy this? It's so miserable. Why don't we go and try some more stores before deciding. I am sure the next one would have better clothes." I told her. She was surprized, but, agreed and we walked out of that store.
Next store, strategy B, as soon as we entered the store, I gestured to her that I need to go to the washroom urgently. She was shocked, but, had no other option than to let me go. After about 15 minutes, I resumed my duties by her side.
"Hey, how is this T-shirt? It looks cool to me." She asked me.
"Yeah, it is a fabulous one. It will just look awesome on you." I said happily.
"The problem is this one seems to be over-sized and I am not able to find one fit for me." She said.
"No problem dear, we can cut it short by cutting these extra few inches from this side and that would also give you two sets of matching hankies to go with this T-shirt. Isn't that a great idea?" I said loudly, holding the T-shirt up and cutting it through imaginary scissors. She snatched the T-shirt from me and dragged me out of the shop to escape the assorted giggles that filled the store after my brilliant statement.
At the next store, she again started asking me about the clothes and when she asked me about a particular Kurta, I replied "I love red." I got a mild slap and a glare because she was holding a green kurta and she had followed the trail led by my eyes to locate the red kurta which was a couple of counters away.
Another store, she started selecting some slogan T-shirts and I said loudly, "Why do you think people write slogans on their clothes? I guess these people wanted to become writers or maybe they wanted to go to college. However, lack of funds prevented them from doing so and now they are displaying their skills by writing on the clothes. What a shame this is to the society?" Again I was hauled out of the store and faced the following question.
"Are you doing all this deliberately? I want you to stop acting funny and help me in my shopping." She told me.
"What? What have I done? I am loving it here. Let's go to that store which displays flat 50% off." I pointed innocently to another store and was very happy to see my strategy working.
"Honey, I am feeling a little tired. I will sit here while you select some clothes. I will give my opinion when you try the selected pieces." I said to her and unsuspectingly she walked away towards the counters leaving me on the bench near the trial rooms.
After a few minutes, she was back and I was laughing when she looked at me.
"What are you laughing at?" She asked me.
"No, nothing at all." I pretended to suppress my grin.
"Tell me now." She sat next to me and stared at my face.
"Do you see that pretty sales girl there. She is very funny and you know she seems to be in love with that guy on that counter....." I started my fictitious gossip which was cut short by her.
"I thought you needed some rest and didn't know that you were busy looking at girls and trying to overhear their conversations. We are getting out of here right now." She stormed out of the store almost dragging me as I said to her "Ok, I promise not to look at that sales girl, but, please buy something." She paused for a second and looked at me, only to find my eyes following the footsteps of another pretty girl.
"We are going to the departmental store over there to buy some household stuff and then we will go home. You can order a pizza or something, but, I won't let you dine at the foodcourt." She gave her next order.
A few minutes later, the following conversation took place in the departmental store.
"Honey, why is every article in this store second hand sales item? Even the vegetables are stale and fruits are rotten." I asked her innocently and loudly enough for the sales boy to hear.
"No Sir, all this is fresh stock and we never sell used stuff here." He tried to explain.
"Oh come on, I know its your job to sell this stuff, but, you can't fool me. You really have a great sense of humour, still, how can you even call this room freshner to be of good quality?" I picked up a can as I spoke to him.
"That's a deodorant and not a room freshner." He said gritting his teeth.
"Here you go again. You call this a deodorant and it smells worse than a mosquito spray!! If this is the quality of your stuff then how do you expect good customers to buy this? People must be really dumb to buy any of these." I said loudly and the words had a good impact on the few people gathered around that counter, on the sales guy and the best impact on my wife who dragged me out again.
"I am never ever going to take you to shopping again. No matter how much you plead." She said later at home.
I feel sorry for the sales boy and all the staff members of the stores that I visited, but, I have been enjoying my freedom gleefully.
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